How to tell an eco-activist from an undercover police officer.

1. Earrings - no eco-activist wears earrings and if they do they are dodgy anyway so don't take the risk.
2. Skin products - Clinique means a definite undercover police officer...or a porn star. Any spot care or facial products would be shunned by a genuine eco-activist. Most eco-activists smell a bit and believe that their pheramones are most alluring to women. They are wrong.
3. I would just like to state here that given the choice between an eco-activist and an undercover police officer I would make the ideological choice. However having recently met an eco-activist who smelled like a hybrid between a really bad fart and something that had died, I reserve the right to exercise my discretion.
4. Really, it would just be easier if you send me £150 per man and I just meet him once to vet him for you.
5. Friendship bracelets. No man should wear a friendship bracelet unless it has been made for him that day by a small child.
6. If he drinks Earl Grey tea that is a definite sign of an undercover police officer or a feathery stroker.
7. Most eco activists do not stick strictly to a vegan code. For example if you cook pesto with pasta they will eat it. Beware the man who seems to be trying too hard.
8. If any man has a book called 'How Immigration Damages Britain' on his rustic farmhouse table fuck him off. Don't even concern yourself as to his eco or police credentials.
9. An undercover police officer will be not be concerned with the amount of plastic carrier bags you use to bring home the shopping. Indeed he will probably shop at Tesco so just take a peek in his fridge.
10. A woman with unusual shoes is probably not an undercover police officer. She just dresses eccentrically.