This morning my ex husband Matthew texted me at 7.15 am to say "don't forget Martha's dental appointment at 8 am" to which I replied "Thank Christ you reminded me" and speeded up my activities, however still managing to commit the heinous sin of being LATE to arrive at the dentist's, getting there at the shameful hour of 8.06 am.
"I'm sorry, we're a little bit late, my daughter has an appointment at 8" I said, smiling pleasantly at the receptionist, who looked me up and down as if I was dressed like a common prostitute. "I don't know if the dentist will see her, I'll have to ask him" she said. Then she rang upstairs and said "your late appointment is here, can you still see her?". After this she turned to me, as if conferring a great favour, and said disdainfully," He will see her but you will have to wait."
We sat down to wait. The 8.10 appointment went upstairs and came back down. The 8.20 appointment ditto, followed by the 8.30 appointment. At 8.35 I politely asked how long we would have to wait.
"Don't know" came the reply.
It's just that I'm going to be late for work and I'll have to ring them and tell them what time I'll be in, I said.
"Don't know."
Well, said I, will it be ten minutes, twenty minutes?
"Don't know. You'll just have to wait"
Can you just give me some idea, I asked, still polite.
"No idea. You'll have to wait".
I then phoned work and told them I was going to be late because I had been 6 minutes late for the dentist but that I could not say how late, as the dental receptionists had no idea.
There were notices everywhere.
Rudeness to the reception staff will not be permitted.
Verbal abuse of our staff will not be tolerated.
Payment must be made in full before treatment.
Patients must abide by the rules.
If any of these regulations are broken THE ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY WILL BE PUT INTO EFFECT.
Good comrades will go toothless for the Cause.
Patients who are late for appointments will be publicly flogged.
(I only made the last two up.)
And so on. Martha said "Mum have you read all the notices?" I said it's taken me a while love but yes I have. Then she wanted to play games on my mobile but I wouldn't let her. I suggested she read an article from the Reader's Digest instead. "A long one" I added for the benefit of the receptionists, who were whispering to each other.
Martha asked how long we would be. I said I didn't know but if we were still there at lunchtime she could go over to Greggs, and if we were still there at teatime she might have to pop over to Boots and get me some anti-ageing cream.
Finally we were summoned upstairs to the dentist, who was unusually perky, like someone on happy pills (or maybe just someone on a dentist's salary.) He said Martha had a stain on one of her back teeth.
Then he said "did you bring her last time?", I said no, her Dad did. He leant forward conspiratorially and said "are you separated?", somehow managing to say the word separated as if it was a sexually transmitted infection. I said yes, not bothering to explain that we had been divorced for years, as I did not feel this to be any business of the dentist.
"I find this a lot with separated parents" he said. I was puzzled. Did he mean habitual lateness, or staining of one back tooth? I asked what he meant. "Oh, different routines, different diet, different toothbrushes for different houses" he said. "How many nights a week does she spend at her Dad's?" I said two nights (not seeing the relevance) and the dentist smirked. I defended Matthew's parenting heroically and said that he did not have sweets in the house.
"Ah but he would say that wouldn't he?" replied the dentist. I ignored this slur and took my leave, being extra polite and pleasant as I made an appointment for 6 months' time, lest I trigger the ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY.
So, if my manager ever reads this blog, that is why I was late for work today.
Matthew says he is thinking of reporting the dentist. I, however, am keeping on good terms with that dentist because:
a) There are no NHS dentists locally except him
b) It was only a week ago that I threatened to report the alcoholic doctor to the GMC - all Shaw dwellers will know which doctor I mean.
c) If I am extra nice to the dentist he might give me some of the drugs that make him so happy, and will be gentle with me when I am in the chair.
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